


The Wrong Way To Spice Things Up

by FrizzleNox



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Angry Patrick Brewer, Bottom Patrick Brewer, Fingering, Humping like horny teenagers, Hurt/Comfort, Intercrural Sex, M/M, Sex bloopers, Top David Rose, hot peppers, sex accidents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:48:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27342244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrizzleNox/pseuds/FrizzleNox
Summary: “Shit is right. My asshole fucking hurts. What were you doing with Stevie? Is there something on your hands?”David's inattentiveness when cooking leads to some unexpected pain in the bedroom.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 1
Kudos: 80
Collections: Kitchen Adventures





	The Wrong Way To Spice Things Up

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at Sex Bloopers. Enjoy!
> 
> Contains a brief mention of a sex act between Rachel/Patrick, but it's not graphic.

“David. Stop!” Patrick pulled away from his husband, pulling his knees to his chest and yanking a blanket over his bare body. 

“What? Do you want me to slow down?” David was starting to panic, it wasn’t like Patrick to pull away during sex. 

“It fucking hurts.” 

“What hurts? Babe? What did I do that hurt?” David hadn’t done anything all that unusual. Their make-out session had ended with Patrick naked, legs hitched over David’s shoulders as he slowly licked his asshole, working him open.

“My hole. It was okay and then pain.”

“When did the pain start? What did I do?” David was wracking his brain, trying to figure out might have caused the pain.

“When you touched me. When you fingered me.”

“Shit!” David knew what was wrong. He’d chopped jalapeños for Stevie earlier when they made nachos for lunch and he must not have washed his hands as thoroughly as he thought.

“Shit is right. My asshole fucking hurts. What were you doing with Stevie? Is there something on your hands?” Patrick was angry, much angrier than David had ever seen him before, and had started crying in pain.

“Um, yeah, fuck. I need to Google this. Hey Alexa…”

Patrick quickly cut him off “David, my fucking asshole is burning. You are not asking Alexa anything it until you tell me why.” 

“Stevie and I made nachos. I had to chop peppers. I washed my hands…”

“Not well enough… David, cold wet washcloth, now.” Patrick demanded. How he could stay so calm in situations like this, David would never know.

He returned with the washcloth, and attempted to hand it over, wanting to get dressed, but was pulled hard down onto the bed. 

“Nope, you caused this, you’re gonna take care of me. You’re gonna put that where I’m hurting, then you’re gonna get me something cozy to wear and cuddle me while I’m in pain.”

David placed the washcloth where he’d injured Patrick and wrapped him up in his fluffy bathrobe. 

“Better?”

“A little. Now go scrub your hands, under your nails too. When you’re done, bring me an ice pack.” David wouldn’t admit it, but he was glad that Patrick had taken charge and told him exactly what to do. He didn’t handle emergencies well and wasn’t well trained on basic first aid.

David did as told before crawling into bed. Once Patrick looked settled, he ran a tentative hand over his cheek, “I’m sorry.”

“I know. It happens. I’m feeling better.” David felt Patrick relax against him, resting his head on his chest. “Hold me?”

David pulled in Patrick close, rubbing his back, nuzzling his hair. “How’d you know what to do so quickly?”

“I may have had a similar incident with Rachel. She was very upset with me.” 

“Want to elaborate?” David had told Patrick plenty of stories about sex accidents of his past but hadn’t heard many from his partner.

“The summer after our first year of college. We went camping and were fooling around in the tent. My friend had brought some hot chilies and had me chop them to throw in the stew he was making over the campfire. Apparently, some of the pepper juice had ended up on my fingers.” Patrick giggled.

“What?”

“She broke up with me after that. She said I was stupid and should have known better. She was in pain, we didn’t have a way to ice it. The stuff on my fingers was much more potent and I couldn’t wash them the way you did after.”

“You two were camping, what did she expect you to do?”

“Apparently I should have told my buddy I couldn’t chop them. I didn’t think anything of it. Fingering her in our tent wasn’t exactly on my mind when I was drinking and making dinner at the campsite.” 

David finally cracked a smile and shook his head at his husband. “At least you didn’t fuck her while lying in poison ivy.”

“You’ve done that?”

“Yeah, I was mostly clothed and topping, but the guy I was fucking got it all over his ass and back. We were at a festival. I took a shower soon after and only got a little on my thighs. He did not. It was an unpleasant car ride home for him.”

“You don’t seem sorry about it.”

“Not anymore. He kind of deserved it.” 

“David...”

“He hooked up with other people at that festival. I thought we were exclusive. I found out when we got home.” David sighed, “You know, I’m gonna feel bad about tonight for a while.”

“I forgive you. It was an accident.” Patrick was soon on top of him rocking their hips together, nibbling on his ear.

“You still want me?”

“I think an orgasm will make me feel better.” Patrick reached in their side drawer, pulling out some gloves they had on hand for certain intimate activities. “Put these on, no more penetration tonight.”

David obliged, letting his plasticky gloved hands roam under Patrick’s robe, as Patrick rutted against his thigh. They were soon naked and slick, Patrick had lubed them up and insisted on having David fuck his thighs. After a bit, they both came, rocking together like a pair of horny teenagers.

“Thank you. We haven’t done it like that since we started dating.”

“It was nice. My ass feels a lot better.”

“I’m gonna get a washcloth.” 

“I think we need more than a washcloth.” Patrick giggled, they’d been lubed up from nipples to knees and David’s body hair was starting to become a sticky mess. “Shower with me. No gloves required.”

David relented, shedding the gloves and keeping his hands to himself as they stood under the warm water. 

“I forgive you, David.”

“Good. You know I never want to hurt you.”

“Accidents happen.” Patrick reminded once they were both dressed, settled under the covers, starting to drift off. “I still love you, David.”

“I love you too. I promise that won’t happen again.”


End file.
